we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize