Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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