The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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