we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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