Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
wow bdsm is so cute
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
