I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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