I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
