i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
