I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
