I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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