make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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