I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
