Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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