so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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