Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
