is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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