:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
