I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
