my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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