Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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