I can tuck mytits in my pants
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
