In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
