yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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