My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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