Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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