sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
