If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
