I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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