I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
