There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
