You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
