so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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