Can i not drive my cunt home
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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