the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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