p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't put those talents on a resume
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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