Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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