Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
