I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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