dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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