Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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