Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
