this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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