The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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