I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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