I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
