Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
