'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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