just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
