I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
