the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize