Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
