Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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