Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
