I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
