i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
