He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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