my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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