i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
