I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
