between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she peed on how many people?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize