Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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