If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
