Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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